The Secret Of Addiction; P 3

This sculpture and a related quote by John Maddox are a window into my life.
“We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem ‘normal’. But THIS, ‘Emptiness’ is how we all feel…all the time.”

I have sprinkled your altar with my own blood.
I have banished my father and mother so that you can live with me.
I have turned my night into day and went about at midday like a sleepwalker.
I have overthrown all the Gods, broken the laws, eaten the impure.
I have thrown down my sword and dressed in woman’s clothing.
I shattered my firm castle and played like a child in the sand.
I saw warriors form in line of battle, and I destroyed my suit of armour with a hammer.
I planted my field and let the fruit decay.
I made small everything that was great and made everything great that was small.
I exchange my furthest goal for the nearest, and so I am ready.
Red Book – 61 (Liber Secundus)

Although it’s not that easy for me, I would like to end this difficult time of my and Al’s life by telling it; maybe it will help some people who have experienced or are still involved in the same moments.

As I told it in the last part (the first part here), we were immersed in a vacuum and couldn’t get out. The desperation had conquered our hearts, and the only way to save our poor souls was to commit suicide and end this suffering forever! Before I continue, I have to say that we had two so-called rescue routes; One was a whole packet of our leftover heroin with all the trimmings we stashed in the air tubes for someday(?). (that was too much and too good to do without!) and or to choose the other way to take our bag that we had already packed sometime ago and drive to our brother-in-law in Mashhad (ca thousands of Km towards the east.); he was already waiting for our visit. But suicide looked that much easier way.

In such an addicted fellowship as we were, committing suicide is an all-day talk with good tips! One from a good friend of ours, which we’d chosen, was to mix twenty valium tablets in a glass of vodka and cheers; it would be an endless sleep. We had some buttle of vodkas at home, and I have a friend working in a pharmacy at the corner; I could easily get the valiums. I was just worried about it because of my strength! I had a strong foundation, stronger than Al and I didn’t want to stay alive and find myself besideAl’ss dead body. That was like a nightmare for me; therefore, I suggested to Al that we could have another try with our Doc. May he would have another solution for us. Al also wasn’t too keen on our suicide plan either, agreed.

I had met our doctor several times for asking help; he said he did his job and couldn’t do anything more. And you know, he was not so cheap! As I might write once about our situation in Iran, we were not recognized anywhere as Iranian citizens because we had not participated in their ridiculous election to change the regime in Iran. Therefore, we couldn’t take any advance for the insurance. We had to pay for everything, including medicaments and visiting doctors. However, we had to try our best. In our last meeting, he said; the only thing he could do was to write us an unlimited receipt for a medicament named; Captagon. I don’t know if you have ever heard about this, but it worked so magically that after we took just half of one tablet, we felt luckier than we had ever felt! The topic of suicide was as good as gone, and we saw the world with other eyes; much more hopeful! Although I must mention that it’s addictive!

Anyway, we were so fit now to make some new decisions; We thought of travel to our brother’s. Not only because of a change but also because this Captagon was hard to find in Tehran, the capital city. My friend in the pharmacy told me it’s much easier to get it in the province. So we travelled there and stayed for a month or so. It was very nice and helped us to freshen our minds. But we had to get back home, even if we were afraid of it, to be into these walls again. We did get back, and the first days were not so pleasant; this emptiness was very heavy to handle. However, we tried to find a way, and Al was again who found out what: One morning, I saw him with a thick book in his hands, sitting on the couch. It was The Bleak House by Charles Dickens. He was so deep in reading that even didn’t notice my arrival. I thought what a good idea! And went to our bookshelves and looked for a book. The first one which caught my eye was The Idiot by Dostoyevsky. It was somehow strange for me to read a book as I didn’t for a long time. I just took it, sat opposite Al, and began to read. I don’t know how long passed; I just looked up once, and it was dusk.

You might not believe it, but it was a great step. In the following days, we also discovered that we had the music! Honestly, we had very high-quality music player devices, like a gramophone, a reel tape recorder and an excellent amplifier, but they all stood in silence for so long. Therefore, we thought to add them to our reading hours. We had about five hundred vinyl, including two hundred classics; Symphonies, Operas and Violinconcerts. We had let play the latter as we’ve been reading books. I think here I must point out what I ever wanted to say with this story; The main problem for the addicted people is to find a replacement for the stuff. That is a critical issue; unfortunately, most caregivers and doctors suggest that patients find a job to get busy, but it is not what they want; they lack the spirits they tried to find by using drugs. Just being busy does not achieve anything. We were lucky to go in this sensitive way to be free of this dependency; this was the solvation to fulfil our empty souls through arts instead of drugs. The only point is to awaken that sense; the power of creativity.

Here I refer to Dr Jung’s quote on the prognosis of lacking or searching for the spirit, the wholeness:

His craving for alcohol was the equivalent of a low level of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God.

And he continues:

I am strongly convinced that the evil principle prevailing in this world leads the unrecognized spiritual need into perdition if it is not counteracted either by a real religious insight or by the protective wall of the human community. An ordinary man, not protected by an action from above and isolated in society, cannot resist the power of evil, which is called the Devil very aptly. But the use of such words arouses so many mistakes that one can only keep aloof from them as much as possible.

In the end, we got through all our troubles; we made a daily plan: early in the morning, went out to walk around for about several Km, then ate a little, and after that got home to fulfilling the spirit with arts. After only six months, we had proudly torn the package of the rest heroin we had stored in the windpipe and thrown it in the toilet!
To put it bluntly, it was not our ending with drug consumption; after we escaped from Iran, we used many kinds of drugs (except heroin), though we never got addicted to any. I think that it has all to do with finding the sensitive threads. Love you all, and thanks. 🙏💖🦋🌹🙏💖


  1. Wow, that was beautiful Aladin! Thank you so much for sharing more of your story with us. I really enjoyed this series on addiction immensely! And while I never suffered from becoming addicted to drugs myself, I do remember the joy and crazy times of my youthful years experimenting with them.

    I’m so pleased that you were able to break free by discovering art and following its sensitive threads. It sounds as though you and Al followed the Goddess Ariadne’s threads through the labyrinth until you discovered a way out and escaped the Minotaur (heroin). Love and light, Deborah.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. elainemansfield

    What a relief that you two made it out of the labyrinth. You were playing with death, as you know and even knew then. I’ve known a few others who survived heroin and a few who didn’t. The love between the two brothers shines through in this piece and was probably what saved you. You wanted to be with each other and alive more than anything. (Vic and I liked psychedelic drugs in the 1960s but avoided the heavily addictive drugs.)

    All seems fine between your blog and my computer now. I’m glad.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Goodness, Aladin, what a journey you and your brother have had, and to survive through it all is nothing short of a miracle. Your love and strength comes through in your words. Thank you for sharing your extraordinary experience with drugs and how you and your brother overcame your addiction. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Darren Wendroff

    This is amazing what you wrote, on so many levels, the type of story telling, the truth, the insight, the drama, the humor, just beautiful. Thank you for sharing my friend, this was inspiring. Looking fwd to more, I feel like I’ve found a gold mine 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, wow! Thank you so much, dear Darren. It’s inspiring for me, too and highly appreciated. It looks like you do have not a site here, do you? Anyway, thank you again and have a lovely weekend. 🙏🤗


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