We might be sleeping, and when we die, we will awaken; unknown!
I must count the years since you left this Earth (or as you called it in your book: changing the level!) to find out how long it passed because these don’t mean to me as I have the feeling it was yesterday. (Tonight, we enter the sixteenth year of separation, although our reunion is getting closer.)
You’ve written many things about death and have many versions. I have found some of your notes on this, though some were hard to discern. ( Mostly, you were drunk when you wrote them and called them “Schnapsideen”, according to Germans!) But they all show your efforts to definite this great puzzle: the death.
“Death is psychologically as important as birth, and like it, is an integral part of life. … As a doctor, I make every effort to strengthen the belief in immortality, especially with older patients when such questions come threateningly close. For, seen from a correct psychological perspective, death is not an end, but a goal and life’s inclination toward death begins as soon as the meridian is passed. C. G. Jung (1957) CW 13
But the other day, you were full of life and permanently in love! However, this “falling in love” was not so expected or ordinary, as you never were! You were rather alone, and when I among our friends have tried vainly to set you up with a girl, you’ve been looking for a forbidden love. You have loved the impossible love, like Pip in one of your favourite novels, The Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. Pip had loved Estella from the button of his heart but painfully and in vain as you worshipped it: painfully and in vain. Yes! You were unconventional; what love desires.
However, you never forgot your beloved point of “changing the level”, and I kept believing. Once, you told me about Jung’s point of view on this matter, that “death is inevitable and to think otherwise is to live in denial. More than just denial, it means living against one’s instincts.”
Live on and look forwards!
Jung writes from his most profound personal encounter with his soul in The Red Book, “The knowledge of death came to me that night… I went into the inner death and saw that outer dying is better than inner death. And, I decided to die outside and live within… I turned away and sought the place of the inner life.”
Yet, I try to follow the master and live the inner life, as you’ve done, even though what remains for me is the memories;
You do remember how Paul Simon had mused about it;
Time it was
And what a time it was; it was
A time of innocence
A time of confidences
Long ago, it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memories
They’re all that’s left you (“Bookends” Simon & Garfunkel)