Fifty + Years Loneliness XIII, Or Desperate Or Might Being Frantic Sometimes! (Just an add!)

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A Foreword and Update!

Today (on Saturday!😮), I had to take my boss’s place, and I have just got back home, but I need to head out again soon!😜 I hadn’t planned to post anything but came across an old article I wrote years ago. So, I thought I’d share it with you before it goes stale. I hope you enjoy it somehow!🙏💖

Please don’t be shocked; this will not be an endless story! I have just a feeling that my last post about my yelping was, after all, too emotional and not clear enough.

To contemplate thereabout, I have to look at my past and review my life, but to avoid the immense length, I try to write it in a list form. First, I thank all my dear friends for their feedback, and especially among them, for their valuable suggestions.

My life is like a labyrinth; explaining this with my broken tongue (pen) is difficult.

1- It might be because of our mother’s lie to Al and me about our father’s death, which I had to carry for almost two months till I found it out by myself.

2- The next point is that Al and I were almost alone in our childhood. Our mother had to find a job to pay our father’s debt; though he was a famous writer and could be rich, he could never be a moneymaker. We had a big house with a broad yard, and you could imagine how frightening it would be for two children, nine & eleven-year-old to stay home in the evening, waiting for their mother to come home.

3- There, eternity loneliness develops, don’t you think? We have kept each other like the guardian angel, especially Al, because he was older than me, older in the year, and significantly older in mind.

4- The years passed, and we, Al and I, had made a wall to protect us. A wall, but not against our mother, a wall against the society in which we lived. That was a must, to avoid the stranger in our world. Oh yes, we have made a world just for us and nobody else. And it made us like foreigners in our own country.

5- It went all through our age of puberty, and there came the time of our mother’s death. She was married to another man then, and we (unfortunately) couldn’t accept him as a replacement for our father. Therefore, the wall grew taller and taller. The solitude casts our life.

E Teen Alien Angst Art Print
 Curtis Edwards

6- We had a lot of experiences those days, so you might think twice about looking for people with walls around. I might tell you that in such countries under dictatorship and also the pressure of its traditions, the only way to escape to freedom is drugs. We had tried all possible and impossible stuff for many, many years. I can be proud to announce that I had all the drops in my veins, and now I am free of all.

7- Now about me: I have learned from my parents’ way of life that there had to be a genius to live with (in the form of a Couple. Two genius to live together… I don’t think that it might be advisable. I felt so because I had noticed how genius Al was. Therefore, I dedicated all my energy to my brother Al because I was convinced of his ability to create art. In Iran, I worked to earn money, managed a house, and all that was needed. It was, for me, a matter of course, even in our addiction period. (I was the one who could get the stuff.)

8- In all these happenings, I have forgotten to find my own identity! I know many people out there want to show me how to find it, but please stop! You have no idea!! I noticed that people, especially these days, want to give advice. (That is always calming to show the way to others) Thank you so much, but I think I am too far to see further. I might not know where I am going, but I am on my way.

9- Just to keep it short, since I lost my brother to serve him, I had to find my identity and what I am good for: I could be a musician, I could be an actor, I remember, as I gave up to make music and worked as a taxi driver, Al told me; Hey, don’t you want to continue composing? Then try writing! I thought, oh god, writing… how can I do that! I know that he knew we were both the offspring of artists. Therefore, we had to do art!

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45 thoughts on “Fifty + Years Loneliness XIII, Or Desperate Or Might Being Frantic Sometimes! (Just an add!)”

  1. Happy New Year Aladin! As it’s freezing here in the UK and I’m sure across the North Sea in Germany too, I hope you’ve now managed to find someone to come and repair your furnace/boiler in the next week. How unfortunate for this to happen during the Christmas holiday.

    After reading through your lists, I’m wondering if you’ve ever considered writing a memoir as I sense you may gain deep satisfaction in doing so. As memoir, unlike autobiography, holds no chronological order, the author gets to choose which ‘slices of their lives’ they will include. I say this because you’ve been sharing your rich, memorable and insightful family stories for many years and I wonder if you’ve ever considered gathering them up and creating a place for them, to sleep and dream together.

    You see, it’s something I’ve been thinking about doing myself once my new book is published next month. I hope your work shift isn’t too long and you’ve made plans to rest and relax tomorrow. Sending you much love, warmth and light across the sea between us, Deborah.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You say that, dear Deborah—wishing you a joyful and “peaceful” New Year. Let’s sleep and dream together! Well said. I haven’t experienced a moment of despair since I started calling you my angel. I am so thankful that you’ve consistently guided me, my love. Mike Steeden, a fellow member of WP, recommended that I compile all my memories for publishing! I’ve often pondered whether to do this and now, with your support, I think it’s time to take the leap. I am so happy wit(in) you.🤗💖🥰

      Liked by 3 people

    • Elaine Mansfield's avatar Elaine Mansfield

      Deborah has an excellent idea, Aladin. You have amazing stories to tell, ones I can’t imagine but want to read. I relate to many things you’ve written here, but I want to know more. Much, much more. I know a few stories about Al, but fewer of your stories. This would be a powerful creative project and interesting to so many people (like me)

      I’ve been creatively frozen and unwell. I don’t know if that will change. It is an extremely cold and windy with -1 degree F in the forecast, but the true cold chill comes from the political situation and fires (far from me, but my heart grieves). I’m concerned for the way our coming president wants to be a dictator and no one around him knows how to govern. Jung has much to say about this, and when he writes about Hitler and WWII, I think of where we are here now. Take care of yourself, and please keep telling your stories. They’re fascinating.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Oh, my dear Elaine. Such outstanding support from you, too, fills me with encouragement and bravery to tell my story. Thank you, my wise friend; it means a lot to me.
        By the way, the political situation in the world, with such wealthy men coming to power, is horrifying. We can continue to hope that goodness prevails over all these evils.

        Please take care of yourself, my lovely friend.🙏💖

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for sharing yourself here, Aladin. I hope you find a creative outlet since you’re clearly a creative soul, and a courageous one. I’ll try not to give advice! But if the memoir muse finds you… you have a tale worth telling. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Happy New Year, Aladin!

    I remember some of these things you list. The main thing I seem to understand is that you miss Al.

    Any light at the end of the “replacing the boss” tunnel?

    “but I am on my way.” and as soon as the furnace is fixed, then when your boss can do his own job, the way will be brighter!

    I don’t think that is advice. It is common sense prophecy.

    Best to you and yours!

    🌟🕊🤍💖

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your common sense is magnificent, and it warms and brightens my heart. Yes, it is true; I miss Al, and the light at the end of the tunnel of “replacing the boss” and having a warm hut shines brighter each day!😅💖
      I always hold your words close to my heart. Thank you; hugs.🙏💖🥰🌹

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I loved and appreciated the raw realness and depth of this Aladin, I really enjoyed hearing all about your early life. It is hard to wrestle with intense memories and bring them to light you have done that with your beautiful words and I am very keen to learn more of your early life. Take care friend. Big hugs Athena

    Liked by 1 person

    • How lovely, my dearest Athena. Your perception of my storytelling gives me immense courage to continue. The post relates to my starting to write on WordPress, and I was unsure whether I should publish it. Nevertheless, your kind words confirm that my intentions are proper! Thank you, my lovely friend. Always yours, Aladin.🙏💖🥰🤗😘

      Liked by 1 person

      • Always love to read about you and your life it’s a painful story but by sharing it, being heard by others and having them understand your experience, it’s a healing experience. I sometimes do the same have these moments when I talk about my sad memories from early life and wonder if I should even say it….but afterwards just writing it out I always feel better. Keep being you xx big hugs

        Liked by 1 person

    • You have understood the core, dear Alicia. Sometimes, one might ask why we were born in this or that country. We are all born accidentally, but what we make of it is important. Al and I might have been luckier had we been born in the free world. Nevertheless, we tried to make the best of it.

      Thank you.🙏💖

      Like

  11. You have had many adversities – we’ve seen some of those on your posts haven’t we. But you have been strong in many ways. You are great, dear Aladin – a writer and a thinker and always an artist. 😊✍️💖 – and now writer a book!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I was so sorry to read about your broken boiler (furnace) Aladin – isn’t it just the thing that the heating breaks down just when you need it the most…I do hope that you’ve now found someone to repair it and that you happy in the warmth of your home. All I can say is I think a memoir written by you would be fascinating and quite a story to be told…your legacy to be read for years to come. Now is the time! Many blessings for the new year, Lin

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you heartily, my dear Lin, for your compassion and warm comment. It is “unfortunately” true that when one needs something, it is lacking or flawed! The main problem is that the heater is completely broken and must be replaced, which no homeowner would ever want! Moreover, the timing was unfortunate and not as “holy” as it ought to have been. Now they are considering what to do about that while we are trying to warm ourselves with the small heaters.
      I have been thinking about memoirs for years and have even begun writing them. With encouragement from lovely friends like you both, I hope to kick the work into gear.

      I wish you a beautiful New Year full of fascinating images.🤗💖🌹🥰🙏

      Liked by 1 person

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